Past Her Prime
by XquisiteProdigy
Summary: DRABBLE: Bella is old and crazy. Edward is old and horny. How do events turn out when you mix in stray cats and Jacob the Second? Its all downhill from here. Edward would know, because his arthritis is actin up again...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I told you I'd be back, right? I'd never leave my lovely readers! So here's a little cutesy drabble that's been in my head for a moment. **

**Elderly Edward at his finest...**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1:<strong>

I know you are sick.

But I've never said a word.

I didn't gossip like the rest of the neighborhood.

Calling you the "Crazy Cat Lady."

And you are.

That's the truth, but I'd never call you that.

At least not to your face.

I'd just watch you pick the thorns from your rose bushes.

Suck the blood from your thumb.

Laugh when you hopped around quite madly.

And then you'd look up.

You could feel someone watching you.

It's me.

But you can't know.

So I close the blinds and scuttle back to my recliner.

And only one thought crosses my mind:

_I need to stalk your old, fine ass from the other window._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

I'm trying to move these boxes around.

Too old to be doing this shit.

But after sixty-three years and a deceased wife, I'm on my own.

I missed Angela. Her smile.

That cancer took away my one ray of sunshine.

It's okay though, I'll see her again soon.

But not too soon. Hopefully.

I don't think this cheap beer is helping either.

Something tells me I ought to care, but I don't give a damn.

My arthritis is actin' up again, and I can tell by the pain, it's gonna rain today.

But my son, Charlie sent me these stupid boxes, and I gotta throw 'em out.

Who the hell wants fruit every month?

That boy is gonna be the death of me.

He knows his old man can't eat nothin' that don't come out of a can.

Campbell's Chunky. Preferably beef.

I forget the boxes for the moment because it's almost two p.m.

The mailman is on his way down the street.

It's one of the few times _you_ will come out of the house. 

And all I can think is:

_Please drop the mail again. Those knee highs get my balls a'quiverin.'_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

No such luck today.

No mail was dropped.

But you did look at my house.

The same way you've been doing for three years now.

Ever since I moved here after Angela's death, I can sense you glancing my way.

But you duck your head and keeps on moving.

You're wearing that green flowered print dress.

The one you wear every Tuesday.

The thread is coming out on the bottom.

The hem needs a'stitchin'.

Two buttons have popped off.

The gray is creeping from your scalp onto your once brunette strands.

You are still beautiful.

It don't matter no how.

The browns in your eyes tell a story.

I just hope one thing:

_I hope that story ain't about no damn cat._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

They are everywhere.

And when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.

Literally, up my ass.

They roam the neighborhood, causing terror and mayhem.

Don't believe me?

Ask Jacob the Second.

That's my goldfish.

So he knows.

He's been close to being a victim.

A victim….of them.

The cats.

Those felines are old, ugly, and smelly.

Once, I tried to mow your yard.

To keep the neighborhood nice.

Your weeds were taking over. Vines crawling up the side of your brick home.

I swear, I got to the side, and I about choked.

It smelled horrible. I threw down the lawnmower and ran for my life.

I know you have about twenty of them.

At least.

I'm pretty sure the rest of your house smells the same.

So I just wish on God Almighty:

_Your cooter smells better than them dang ol' pussies._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

My balls are itchin' again.

Typical.

And this beer gut I got going on ain't too sexy.

But I wasn't always the geezer I am today.

I had muscles. Used to work in the mines with my Pa' before he died.

Growing up in southern Georgia wasn't easy.

Didn't have much money. But I wouldn't change it for anything.

I wouldn't say I'm too bad. Better than that old fool, Eleazar.

Always hanging out on the street picking up them young girls.

He's sick.

They don't want his old, wrinkly ass.

Even I can smell his farts from here.

No, no. I still got eyes that can attract the best of 'em.

I know 'cause the blondie cashier at the Piggly Wiggly always gives me extras.

I wink. She gives me the coupons.

Even gave me a coupon on adult diapers.

She prolly thinks I'm taking care of my folks or somethin'.

No way those were for me.

Yep, so I know I'm quite the looker.

Which is why I have a plan.

For ol' brown eyes next door.

You barely come out, so I'm going in.

That's right.

I'm just praying you keep the cats at bay.

Or I know what's gonna happen:

_I'm gonna get attacked by pussy._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

I feed Jacob the Second some flakes and make a note to get some more.

Hope I remember.

Don't want him ending up like Jacob the First.

Got myself caught up on some Walton reruns and forgot the poor guy.

Good thing they only run 'bout two dollars.

I put on my best slacks and shirt and hope they match.

They both look dark, so I think it's alright.

My loafers are still good, just a few scruffs.

Don't believe you'll mind that at all.

Brushed my teeth, too.

And then I inserted them in.

Yep, I look just dandy.

Went out earlier and bought some cat food.

Ya know, to break the ice.

Hopefully that'll work.

I spray my best cologne.

I only wear it when I go to play Bingo on Thursdays.

Had it 'bout twenty years now.

Had to add some water.

It's still good.

I grab the cat chow and walk out the door.

It's now or never.

And then as I cross the lawn, I realize I forgot to do somethin'.

Write a note of where to find my body.

_After the cats have gotten me, of course._


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

I have to lift my britches up goin' across the yard.

Dang weeds are eatin me alive, but I'm fighter.

Nothin's gonna stop me from seein my dame.

She's quite the looker from far away, so it's gotta be better up close.

That ol' porch is rickety and needs a good painting.

If my back didn't hurt so bad, I'd do it myself.

Maybe I'll offer to get one of those neighborhood hoodlums to do it.

They ain't got nothin' else better to do. Besides playin that rappity-rap music.

So I reach the door, and I swear, my hands are shaking.

Darn cat chow is heavier than it looks.

Ten pounds of Friskies all for animals I don't even like.

This is killin' my Social Security check.

Damn government.

Damn cats.

I knock once. Twice. Three times.

The smell is overwhelming, so I hold my breath.

Suddenly, the door opens slightly.

I squeeze my legs together.

Those brown peepers are the prettiest things I've ever seen in Georgia.

But my God.

_I've forgotten to use the john..._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

All I can do is let it go.

I won't tell you what I did.

All I'm saying is that lil' blondie youngin' at the store is my hero.

Them diapers came in handy.

Yeah, I bought 'em. Saved me a couple dollars too.

I'm so glad I didn't let them go to waste.

I'm feeling real warm, but brown eyes just stares at me.

I stare back, and swallow hard.

I'm about to speak, but she does it first.

I expect her voice to be as sweet as a Georgia peach.

To reflect the nectar that she is.

Instead, her bushy brows scrunch into a frown.

I give my best smile. And when she talks, I know my diaper is about to get full.

_"Who the cockamamie are you?" _


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9:**

I stutter, because I'm wet and nervous.

Mainly wet.

I hold up the cat chow.

"Hiya ma'am. I'm Edward. Your neighbor. I brought you some cat food."

I know she's gonna smile.

I get the feelin' by tonight I'll be peelin' those bloomers off.

She's gonna think I'm hotter than a two dollar pistol.

So I give her a wink, and thrust the bag up to her face.

To give her a better look-see.

I wonder if she'll be my lady friend.

But when I let the bag down and glance at her again, she frowns.

For the second time in less than a minute, she speaks angrily.

"Who in the Sam Hill are you?"

Oh no.

We've got a repeater on our hands.

I myself, gots the Sugar. Keep it low with my pills.

But she must have Alzheimer's. Brain be forgettin stuff. Took my buddy Billy away last year.

So I hate to be a wet rag, but I'm mad as a dickens.

This ain't what I was expectin'.

I wanna repeat my introduction, but I curse in front of the pretty lady instead.

_"Crudbuckets..."_

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><p><strong>AN: Thanks for the support guys! Can't believe you like an old Edward, but his name is ancient, is it not? lol. I will try to update a few chapters every other day or daily. Or I can just update on weekends...Ya know, if you're too busy and all...**

**Pimpage: New story 'Raw' is on Profile. Check it out. Gets me all hot and bothered, so forgive any juice that may have been left on your screen! *wipes it away with tissue as you give me the 'ewww' look of disgust* *giggles and removes hands from pants***


	10. Chapter 10

**Sometimes I really can't spell. Sometimes it's on purpose. Either way, this drabble is unbeta-ed. Forgive me. **

**Oh, and some awesome friends at FB (Mia, Steph, and Amber) came up with the following names for Edward: Diaperward, Viagraward, Wrinkleward, Seniorward, Raisinward, AARPward...lol. You like?**

**Chapter 10:**

"'Xcuse me?" she says, looking quite offended.

I'm a southern gentleman, so I apologize quickly.

"Sorry! I'mma so sorry. I meant…I wanted…"

I can't get my words out real good and proper. They flyin' all over the place like a hog's back legs on a barbeque Sunday.

Taking a deep breath, I begin again.

"I'm Edward, your next door neighbor. I'd like to drop this off for you. I mean, your cats."

She blinks her eyes and I can tell she's struggling to understand. But she looks at the cat chow and smiles.

I'm blinded by her grin, and her teeths are just as straight and as pretty as can be. I bet my whole half dollar collection she uses Polident. Just like me.

"Edward," she says quietly. "I'm Alice. Alice Swan."

_And at the sound of her name, the room spun around me slower than a bread wagon with biscuit wheels._

**A/N- Psst: this ain't no Alice show. Stay with me, people…**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11:**

What a beautiful Southern belle name. Even if I was expectin' somethin' different. She looks like she's about to grab the bag and shut the door back in my face.

I know her type. The shy leavers. So I attempt to keep the conversation movin'.

"How are you, Alice?" I ask, leaning on my good leg for support.

"I'm fine," she answers. "How are you doin'?"

Such an easy question, but my Pa was a no-good-lying-son-of-a-gun, and years of him parading fast little trollies in my face hasn't changed my ways.

I wanna answer '_I'm fine_.'

I wanna say '_My back hurts, but I'm pulling through_.'

I wanna tell her how the kitty pissing on her bunions are starting to tear up my nostrils.

Instead, the words rush out faster than I can stop them.

"How ya doin?" she repeats.

"Anyone I can and the easy ones twice," I rush out.

_Awww, dognabbit…._


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: **

I wince, because any woman worth her salt is gonna pop the bejesus outta me.

_Goodbye bosoms_, I think sadly. If my Ma were still alive, she'd skin my hide for being so crude to my wanna-be lady friend.

Alice just looks at me and her mouth drops open.

I'm waitin for her to yell or scream, but a noise comes out that is shocking to my ears. I use my free hand to check my hearing aid, and yessiree, its in there good and tight.

She laughs.

It's a cackling sound. One that is churnin' my butter on the insides.

I can't help myself and I laugh with her.

"Come in," she says, opening the door widely.

I step inside and...

Jumpin jehosefat!

My neighbor, the one with over fifty cats (not twenty)...

The one whose bare feet was dirty and hair was swaggled in knots...

The one who had a poorly made porch and vines crawling up her house...

Was tighter than a frog's ass underwater.

Alice Swan was filthy rich.

I make my way past the living room. She's even got a boob tube with a clicker.

"You want somethin' to drink?" she offers.

"Yes, ma'am," I answer nodding. No point in turnin' down a good sodapop.

I set the bag o' chow down and squeeze past the cats who are hissing and scurrying past me. Alice stops at the icebox and pulls out my drink.

I thank her sincerely and follow her past her fancy whatchamacallits and them gadgets on the kitchen table with bright screens I see them youngins be using.

"So, you from 'round here?" I ask, poppin' open the can.

"No, from Warsh-ington," she answers in a southern drawl.

"Hmph," I say not paying any attention, 'cause a stack of mail on her table has caught my eye.

I swat a little orange one-eyed kitty off the table to get a better look.

The mail was addressed to a Bella Swan.

Bella?

I thought her name was Alice.

And as she nonchalantly put a cat in the icebox, I knew one thing right then and there.

_This lady was crazier than a barnyard cat covered in gravy in a house full of bloodhounds._


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13:**

I know I should leave. I should hobble my ass right outta here, and she wouldn't be none the wiser.

Hell, in about five minutes, she'd forget this whole conversation ever happened.

I open the icebox and remove the feline, putting a frightened gray-striped cat out of its misery.

Not understanding what to do, I wondered if I should address this matter. Maybe she really is Alice. Maybe Bella is actually her daughter. Or maybe her God-given name is Bella, but she prefers to be called Alice.

Either way, my head feels like its been hit with a hammer and my buttocks are starting to chaff from the moisture.

One item that catches my eye is a silver-paned mirror above a central fireplace. I forgo any interrogation at the moment in exchange for my amazement.

"Hot-diggity-dog! I've got one of those,too!" I say pointing.

Her face softens, looking into a far away place.

"Yeah, it was a gift. From my son," she says sadly.

I know that dismayed look all too well.

"He's...not here."

I nod in understanding. Death was a hard bitch to overcome.

"Well, I'll be! I have a son too, named Charlie. That boy there is the poster child for birth control. He's a pain in my ass," I reply laughing.

"Yeah?" she says, interested.

"He's thirty-nine now. Got me a grandbaby too. You know he signed me up for a Fruit of the Month Club? Every month I'm getting mangoes, or kiwis, or pineapple...I don't even like pineapple!" I complain.

A grin reaches past her wrinkles, twinkling her eye. "Gets stuck in your teeth?"

"Every. Damn. Time," I chuckle.

"Mine too," she smiles. "Mine too."

And even though Alice-Bella is nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival, I'm still thinking she'd be a good lay in the sack.

I just hope she's got a supportive mattress.

_Those vericose veins running up her leg are causing a throbbing in my pants..._


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14:**

Alice-Bella rips open the cat kibble, spreading the food on the floor.

That's when they come a'runnin'.

I'm scared for my life. There are no food bowls. No plates. No dishes inscribed with "Fluffers" on it.

Just a hoard of animals, hissing and meowing and crawling out of the walls.

One even came squirming out of the couch.

Something was seriously wrong with this lady. _It's always the pretty ones._

Maybe she's got glaucoma and can't see. That's the only explanation for having this many cats.

"Alice?" I say gently.

I've got to mind my manners. Perhaps she's so blind she couldn't see Ray Charles lickin' and Stevie Wonder pushin'.

"You always keep this many cats? It's gotta be 'round fifty or so..."

She just keeps spreading the food on the floor and the animals are actin' higher than a giraffe's nuts.

"Sixty-three," she corrects me. "That one's name is Sally. There's Chick Pea, Greta, Miss Marple, Poppy, Mishchief, and Whiskers. Over yonder is Showbiz, Otis, Quinn, Newbert, Jello, Pudding Cup, Pudding Cup the Fifth, Jingles, Jasper..."

And as she rambled on, naming each unfortunate kitty one by one, I slump onto the sofa.

Lady-friend was turning out to be more trouble than she was worth.

_I wanted to slap some stuff on her mouth that even Ajax couldn't take off._


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15:**

Fifteen minutes.

Thirty-nine seconds.

Two slobbers of drool later...

Bucket list incomplete.

That's how long I dozed off, my piss sticking to my legs as Alice-Bella blabbered on.

It wasn't until she cleared her throat, that I realized she was finished.

I jostled myself awake, holding my bum knee as I stood up.

Not wanting to depart from her company, I decided a meal was in order.

"Would you like some supper?" I offered. "I cook a mean liver and onions."

I thought I'd entice her with a side of prune juice as well.

Alice-Bella halted mid-step, squinting her eyes in anger.

Her delicate, frail finger pointed in my direction.

"Ya want me gussied up, is that it? Ya reckon I'd just take off my knickers and we'd get busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers? No more!"

My eyes widened. I'd never heard such talk from a lady before, much less her.

"Git outta my house, you dirty, filthy dog! Emmett, you got as much sense as God gave a goose. Git outta here! NOW! And don't you come back now, ya hear?"

_O.O.O.O.O.O_

As I slid off my loaded diaper and sat on the john, I couldn't figure out why Alice-Bella had pushed me out of the house. She was madder than a one-legged woman at the IHOP.

I didn't know who the jeebers Emmett was, or how my visit had turned so crummy, but I would not give up.

I was goin' back two paces after tomorrow.

After I pulled my teeth out and dropped them into the glass, I figured out a plan.

Alice-Bella Swan wouldn't know what hit her.

My tongue traced my gums, and I smiled toothlessly in the mirror.

She was wrong. Those bloomers were coming off. I couldn't wait to taste her beaver.

_I was so hungry for her cooter, that when I swallowed, my asshole was saying thank you._

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><p><strong>AN: Wow, you guise are flucking amazin'! I read and appreciate all of your reviews. AARPward enjoys them too! He wanted to tell you so, but its after 7pm, soooo...**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N- Don't worry, I've got a plot allll figured out. Stay w/me people...**

**Chapter 16:**

I drank three sheets to the wind for several days.

Alice-Bella's reaction was hogwash, and until I figured out why she was a hootin' and hollerin' I would continue watching the pretty lady.

I was no spring chicken, so each day was harder than the last. My joints ached some kinda bad, so I ain't do didly squat, b'sides drinking.

Brown Eyes refused to leave her house.

I considered taking her mail to her, but it was raining cats and dogs outside. I had no intentions of traveling in the bad weather. If I fell and became injured, I was a goner.

My doc once said that I was so old, the Dead Sea was just sick when I was young. So I stayed my ass in the front of the radio. No point in meetin' the good Lord too soon.

The sunshine's rays hit my window one early morning, and after a breakfast of grits, I stepped out onto my porch for a glass of tea with my sugar.

I reminisced for a while thinkin how much had changed. I 'member when the air was clean and the sex was dirty.

_Good days_, I thought.

A sound scuffled underneath my Buick, and a lil' doggie scurried past, squandering from lawn to lawn.

That's when the idea hit me like a heart attack. I grabbed my newspaper, checked to make sure I wasn't listed in the obituaries, and hobbled into the house.

_By the time I was done with Alice-Bella, she'd be so wet, she'd fuck a snake if I held its head._


	17. Chapter 17

**Prime 17:**

The Piggly Wiggly.

That's where I got my soups and my oatmeal and where I could see my lil hottie potattie.

"Hey! Nice to see you again pops." A sultry voice said as soon I rolled in on my Hoveround.

"Awww, Miss Rosey What did I tell ya? Its Edward, sweet thang." The young cashier liked it when I talked dirty to her.

She giggled and popped her bubble gum, her long blonde hair cascading over her breasts. "What can I do for ya today, _Edward_? You need help reaching the bananas?"

"I got a banana right here for ya!" I smirked. She laughed and I continued explaining myself.

"Miss Rosey, you seen any animals 'round here? Like stray cats, perhaps?"

"You don't need any more animals, sir," she replied, a frown on her face.

"No, no. Its not for me...I just...you seen any 'round here? I could go to the pound but its clear across the other side of town," I explained.

Rosalie pulled off her grocerer's apron and walked towards the exit. "Come on. Sometimes if you go back to the dumpsters, you might see an animal or two."

With her curvy hips walkin' and me rollin' behind her, we approached the trash in no time. Her jeans were so tight I could see Lincoln smilin' from the penny in her pocket.

"Eyes up here, mister!"Rosalie reprimanded. "See? Right under there..."

She pointed, and I saw a tiger-striped baby kitten purring and meowing under the dumpsters.

"Well I'll be..." I smiled widely. "Can you reach 'em for me, sugar?"

"Sure 'nuff." Blondie crawled on all fours and reached for the cat. Good googly-moogly!

If I were twenty years younger and not on heart medicine, I'd tear that ass up.

"Here ya go," she answered, handing me the small animal.

"Hey Rosey," I said. "Thanks darlin.'"

"No problem," she replied, walking me over to my Buick so she could return to work. "Bye pops!"

"Rosey baby...Coffee in a can, sugar in a cup..."

She winked and finished our usual parting goodbye.

_"Poke her in the butt, you won't knock her up!"_


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18:**

Bella spread the cat food on the kitchen floor and watched her babies come a'runnin'.

No use in putting on the food bowls anymore. They'd just knock 'em over again.

She sighed and glanced out the window to the house next door.

He was gone. His car, that beat-up raggedy Buick was missin' from the driveway.

She didn't know why he bothered driving that raggedy thing. Especially since he had a brand-new Volvo to use.

Bella sat down at her kitchen table, paying her monthly bills. She made sure she always sent out both sets.

Otherwise, a certain someone would be sittin' in the dark.

She glanced at the calendar, and sure enough- today was the day.

With the date pre-circled, she knew to be prepared. It always happened the same day every month.

She set up a new miniature bed, complete with blankets and a bottle.

It was the same cycle over and over again. Many said she should give up, but she didn't have the heart to.

After a brisk walk to the mailbox, she checked again to make sure each envelope read the right names.

See, these days, new Mommies and Daddies didn't know what was in a good name.

When she was growing up, people always had two names. Mary Sue. Or Beth Ann.

Now its just Jessica. Or Sarah. Or Emily.

Nope, she was proud of her name. Bella Alice Swan.

Born in Washington, daughter of a lumberyard owner, she always knew she would leave that town and find a better life.

Which she did.

It wasn't until things got bad, that...

She paused her thoughts and heard a vehicle outside of her window.

Sure enough, he was back.

Edward Emmett Swan.

_Bringing __another__ damn cat._


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N- Credoroza: You fluckin pimp, you! Hearts your ass. (fandomfanatic . blogspot . com)**

**Readers: You all take apologies? No? Cuz I gots tons of 'em! :( **

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><p>I's hesitant to go over yonder, but I think this little kitty just might do the trick.<p>

I know these fine looks of mine can be distractin'.

_I'm hoping she can look past that._

But I learnt my lesson from last time, and Imma use the john.

So I set the cat down on the counter.

I be back in just a second.

I relieve myself and damn, I shouldn't have been sucking on them peanuts earlier.

They tore my asshole a new one.

But I shrug it off, and I goes back to the kitchen.

"Jacob?"

I's thinking maybe he can't hear me.

Maybe he's gone belly up.

"Jacob the Second?"

Usually he answers me. He blows little bubbles to acknowledge I'm there.

But that's gonna be hard to do now.

_Especially since he's hanging out of the new kitty's mouth..._


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: This next scene, Imma need some imagination from you all. Think Wilson the Volleyball from Castaway with Tom Hanks...**

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><p>"Jacobbbbbbbbbbbb!"<p>

I reckon he's playin possom.

Golly I hope so.

And I'm trying my best. I'm hobblin' and my knees are 'bout to give out on me.

"Jacobbbbbbbbbbbb!"

I knew I should have been using the walker the doc gave me.

"Jacobbbbbbbbbbbb!"

Call me crazy, but I think the cat knows.

He grins at me. All wide eyed and bushy-tailed and he grins.

Then...

He swallows.

"Jacobbbbbbbbbbbb!"

Damn kitty.

That son of a bitch.

I was too late.

_I was going slower than a pair of turtles fuckin' in a jar of molasses..._

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><p><strong>Oh goodness!<strong>

**Is Jacob the Second really dead?**

**Will Bella ever get her kitten?**

**And lastly, will someone ever buy AARPward a new hip?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Readers- You are flucking amazing. I'm grateful for every single one of your horny asses.**

**Laura- See? I was working. Promise! *wide innocent smile***

**Credoroza- I spelled your name wrong last update. Its fixed, and I am utterly ashamed. Loves ya! **

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><p><strong>Chapter 21:<strong>

I grab that rascal by the tail, and he screeches, clawing at me with his tiny paws.

I got a hankerin' to pull him by the teeters, but instead I grasp his fur and push on his chest.

From the outside, I'm figurin this must look foolish.

Giving the Heimlich Maneuver to a damn feline, but the scallywag has my fishy in his mouth.

I push and push until Jacob the Second plops out, right into his fishbowl.

"Jakey!"

I pull the fishy out and give 'em a big smackeroo right on his little fins and plop him back in so he can breathe.

"Bad Kitty!" I yell, and the cat cowers at my feet.

Damn fish-eater.

"You cruisin' for a bruisin' boy? Keep eating my pets, and you'll see what happens to ya!"

I threaten him good, raised fists in the air and all. So he understands I mean bizness.

He doesn't know I'll run his ass over with my Hoveround.

_Vroom, Vroom, Kitty. Vroom, Vroom. _


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22:**

Taking the pussy under my arm, I can't wait to get him outta my house.

We aren't too fond of each other.

He keeps giving me the eye, so I show him my teeths.

I'm not one for animal cruelty, but he better believe it, I'd snatch his arm out and beat him with the bloody stump.

He hisses.

Yeah, he knows.

I reach ol' brown eyes door, and knock loudly, just in case she wear ear plugs like me and she ain't inserted them in yet.

Apparently she has, and she opens the door with a grin.

"Mornin' Miss Alice," I say, tipping my hat like a gentleman.

But really, I just notice the button undone on her dress.

So I can sees her control top, reallll good.

Lordhavemercy….

_Her legs look juicer than poke sawssigiz dipped in gravy…_

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><p><strong>AN: Poke sawssigiz= pork sausages. Just in case you were wondering. And really, the gravy is not good for his cholesterol. **


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23:**

"How ya doin'?" she asks real friendly.

I replies with a "Fine, just dandy."

But I can't hold back my excitement much longer.

"Got a surprise for ya!" I say, squealing like a lad.

"Lemme guess….a cat?"

Now, if I didn't know any better, I'd say the little lady had a bit of sarcasm to her voice.

Maybe she done fell off her rocker since Eleazar flashed his jewels at her when she was visitin' the mailbox.

I don't blame her.

No one should hafta suffer through that type of misery. _His liddle-biddy self._

I hold Kitty by the neck. "Seein as to how many little ones you got runnin' around, I thought you'd like another one."

"Awfully kind of you, _Edward_."

Again with the sarcasm.

I scratch the inside of my ear, and when she's not lookin', wipe the wax on her doorway.

That'll teach her.

"So, you wanna name him?" I ask nicely.

"No, you brought him. You name him."

I think real long and hard.

The name has to be fittin'.

Just right for a fishy eater.

"_Admiral Sushi."_


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24:**

Alice-Bella doesn't look too excited. Admiral Sushi is pissed off at his name. He's clawing to get to me, but she cuddles him tightly, and carries him to a bed in the corner.

Has that always been there?

I can't remember. Looks new.

But I'm tired of getting the run-around from her.

Bought her cat chow. Invited her to dinner. Bought her a new kitty.

There's nothing left for me to do.

I'm tired of being a gentleman.

She knows what I want. So Imma give it to her good n' straight.

"Miss Alice, you gonna give me some sugar or what?"

I'm not talkin' 'bout no sweetener, either.

I want her spread out, bloomers off.

"Alrighty," she says after a few seconds of silence.

_Hells Bells, woman!_

This is gooder than a bowl full of grits.

I's gonna lean in for my kiss, but Alice-Bella starts unbuttoning her dress.

She ain't got no support coverin' her bosoms, no.

Them breastesses are the most beautifulest, saggiest things I done ever laid my eyes on.

Someone hand me my walker.

_I was shakin' harder than a hound dog shittin' out peach pits…_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Rated M, people! You knew what you were getting yourselves into!**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: I'll try to make this as least grotesque as possible…No…you readers deserve the worst. You and your hilarious reviews.**

**Suffer, you pervs. Sufferrrrrrr! *waves wart infested body parts in front of your face***

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 25:<strong>

"Say my name."

She's orderin' me 'round. I ain't no pet of hers.

I ain't got the time for this, no.

Those bosoms are taunting me, rose-colored nipples all perkin' out.

But I'll play her little game. Just so I can get into that cooter of hers.

"Alice," I reply.

She frowns and she ain't likin' that too much.

"Say my name," she repeats.

I don't know what ol' brown eyes problem is.

She's makin my soldier twitchin, and he's declaring' surrender on me.

"Al-" I begin to say, but that's not what she wants.

That envelope over there is a' callin' me.

"Bella," I answer.

And for some reason she lights up.

She mutters somethin' under her breath, akin to, "You remember."

But I don't know what the dickens she's talkin' about, and really, I just wanna stick my peter in them bloomers.

So I nod like I know what she's speakin' of. You can't reason with a crazy.

But you can fuck 'em.

Pointin' to her knickers, I give her the ol' sexy wink.

She pulls 'em down. Her skin is saggin' but I don't notice.

'Cause below them cottons is a mixture of gray and brownish curls.

Well, I declare.

_Her pussy looks more puckered than death suckin' on a lemon…_


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26:**

"Come here, you pretty thang," I whisper, holding out my hand.

I was lying through my teeths, cause all I really wanted to do was chop that sucker with a weed-whacker.

But I ain't one to mess up an opportunity.

She's coming closer, but I dip my hand into my pocket and slip a little blue pill in my mouth.

I wanna make sure I'm good, even if that thang is gonna eat me alive.

I swallow my pride, and take her hand.

She leads me to her bedroom, and it's as moldy as rotten cheese. Flowers everywhere.

And ruffles. Too many damn ruffles. Dust floatin' by the light of the window.

And all I can sees is her ass. It's a little wrinkly, but I ain't one to fuss.

She's gotta get on the bed on her own. I ain't a youngin' no more, couldn't lift her up if I wanted too.

"You got some music?" I ask. I don't see no record player anywhere, just some fancy doohickey.

She pulls out a shiny disk, and inserts it in. Out comes purdy jazz music, just like my family used to play.

It's just as clear as the morning' sky.

It almost makes me forget the fact about the hair on her legs.

_It was itchier than two furry rabbits screwin' in a wool sock…_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Someone get Bella a razor, STAT!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27:**

Her room smells like cat piss.

Her body's got more hair than a polar bear in the North.

One titty is a bit fuller than the other.

But with all that, I can't complain.

I'm feeling all romantic with the jazziness going, I sit down on the bed.

Pull her in front of me. In between my legs.

Fiddle with her grey laced tresses through my fingers.

I know I have to sweet talk her. Walk her through this.

'Cause whatever made her so brave, to make her want this, is fading faster than a pound of chicken at a cracker's barbeque.

"You're beautiful," I complement her. "Prettier than the sunrise in the morning'. Fresher than a daisy in the dew."

Her eyes flutter, and I caress her breastesses with the pad of my thumb.

Run my hand between the curls, between her folds.

"My God, Bella," I moan.

"What?" she asks, concerned. Full of alert.

I shake my head. To let her know it's alright. Nothin's wrong.

It's just that…

"_Your pussy is slicker than snot on a doorknob."_


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28:**

She cackles, and I quiet up that laugh of hers by puttin' one of them boobies in my mouth.

It's so good.

Like day old oatmeal, with a side of vapor rub.

Bella whimpers, and I know its good for her too.

She helps me take off my suspenders.

Almost fell. It snapped her back in the face.

I kissed her welt, and gave a soft sorry.

She winced and nodded. It took the both of us unzip my trousers, my hands shakin' and all.

And by the time my clothes were off, she gasped.

I cradle my one-eyed snake in my hand. I knew she'd be impressed.

She was smiling more than a tick on a fat doggy.

That little blue pill helped, and the soldier is standing at attention.

I draw her closer to me. Kiss her bottom lip. Taste her tongue. The teeth I know aren't hers. The last remains of orange pulp.

She's so sweet, my Georgia Peach, she is.

But we's gots to lay on the bed. My hip is not gonna last much longer. She scoots back, to let me adjust.

But them beans I ate for breakfast have come to bite me in the ass.

Literally.

Bella wrinkles her nose.

'_Cause my gas is smellier than a shithouse door of a shrimp boat. _


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29:**

"Why?" she pleads, pluggin' her nose. "Whyyyyyy?"

I let 'er rip, 'cause there's no stopping' it now.

"Imma sorry, Brown Eyes."

But I'm not.

I can't hold it in. Doc said its not good for my prostate.

I let it go, it's melody floatin to the sound of the jazzy music. It could play like a banjo, yessiree.

I wave my hand, letting the smell filter through.

I wanna make a smart remark. It smells better than them dang ol' cats.

Like a bed of roses. She ought to be grateful.

Straining, I assist her up on the bed, and we is lying down.

Her skin rolls are beautiful. Dem biscuits done her good.

I like a well fed Georgia Peach.

I kiss her again, running my hand down her body. Appreciatin' every popped out vein, every wrinkle of her ass.

She touches the hairy mole on my shoulder. Surpises me by lickin' it.

She's a nasty one, she is.

And I'm lovin it.

I pull her on top, so she is straddling me.

"Oof," I complain. She's heavier than she looks.

I changes my mind. Maybe she outta cut back on them biscuits. Less butter, I wanna suggest.

But that would be rude to the pretty lady, and my Momma ain't raise no fool.

Keeping my thoughts to myself, I fondle her breastesses with one hand.

Her hairy cooter with the other.

She's whimperin' and moanin. Kissing me on my jaw. Likin' my fuzz. Trailin my back with her jagged nails.

I squeeze that juicy behind of hers, as I'm still working my fingers in her spot.

Imma talk in her ear. Somethin' real sexy. I know she's gonna come.

So I lick the edge of her ear.

Moan at the taste of last year's wax.

And I whisper softly.

"Your ass is fatter than a couple o' squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack."

_And when she blows, it just about dills my pickle. _


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30:**

Bella's eyelids flutter. Her orgasm sends me on a temporary high.

But I need to release too. I align myself up with her cooter. Takes a minute to spread apart all the curly hair.

Don't mean to hurt her, but I hafta jam it in.

"Sorry, sweet Bella," I apologize.

It's so warm. And wet. Similar to a homemade apple pie.

I thrust, grabbing her behind. Her hair swings near my face.

Groaning, I'm pushin' in her.

And I know I wanna be there forever. 'Till I'm called up to go.

Her titties dangle near my mouth. I catch it, lickin the tip.

And Imma pay for this later, but I grind into her faster. Make her ride me harder.

Our skin is slappin' together. Hot. Clammy. Sticky.

Sweat is pouring down my brow.

"Feels so good," I gasp out.

She just don't know. I'm fittin' to come.

She moans at my declaration, and I hold her still.

Letting my seed fill 'er up.

She pulls back, and when I look, I know.

I know.

"Brown Eyes?"

She looks familiar. She feels like home.

Suddenly, I know one thing for certain and two things for sure.

One, I banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane.

And two, Alice-Bella sure looks an awful lot like Angela.

Angela? Alice? Bella? Birds? Swan? Bella? Alice? Bella?

Memories mixing together. The room is spinning. I can't catch my breath.

Abruptly, I remember the first words I declared when I made her my wife:

"_I 'd spend the rest of my days draggin' my bare balls over forty miles of glass just to finger fuck your shadow…"_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Nothin like a good sexing to jog your memory, right? Don't worry, its coming together. One puzzle piece at a time. Until then, please direct all vomit to your left. **

***points to directions in 'What To Do After Reading Old People Sex' manual***

**Dammit, people! I said LEFT! *mutters and wipes puke off of laptop***


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31:**

"Emmett," you say softly.

But I ain't hearing a dang old word you say, even if my cock is a'drippin from your cooter juices.

And fer the last time, my name ain't Emmett!

"Ya gave me something, didn't you?" I accuse her.

My head was aggrevatin me sump'n awful.

She was one of dem folks, with the magic and all.

A witch! A she-devil!

She the kinda gal my Mama use to warn me about.

I'm a cunt hair away from roughin' her up like a man.

"Who da hell are you?" I yell, stumbling to get my britches on.

But I musta lost my stability when I shot my load, 'cause I falls right on my knees.

"Emmett, its me, Bella Alice," she explains. "Your wife."

She's a liar, that one is.

My wife was thin, with short brown hair and always wore dem pretty glasses…

"You ain't Angela!" I spit. "She's dead! Don't you piss on my head and tell me its rainin' Brown Eyes!"

But somethin' is naggin' me, somethin' I cant fig're out.

I was feeling more useless than a pocket on a pair of stained underwear.

She stops tryin to explain, flappin' her jaws e'ry which way.

She covers her body with the bed sheet, leans over to her nightstand.

Swaps a one-legged kitty outta the way.

And hands me a picture-graph.

Well, I'll be…

There she is.

In our wedding photo.

_Wearing glasses so thick she could look at map and see the people wavin'…._


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32:**

I left outta there like a loose mule in a corn field.

Hobbled down past the kitties.

So many cats, so many felines.

Out her front door. Through the weeded lawn.

Past my house.

I banged on his door.

My good friend, Eleazar.

"Answer the door, you old rooster!"

I bang some more, and the loudmouth fucker finally answers.

I was a'breathin' hard. Gaspin' for air.

"Eleazar, she's a lyin'. She got two brains- one's missing and the other one's out look fer it! Claiming I'm her husband. Doctored one of them photoygraphs, she did."

"Sit down, Swan," he tells me, motions to his worn out recliner.

I do, and finish telling my story.

"So there I was, beatin that ass up. Was so good you'd fight your grandmamma. And then she names me Emmett! Emmett! Of all the cockamamie…"

I pause, 'cause Eleazar's just starin' at me, looking like he done kissed the wrong end of a baby.

"Whatcha call me?" I ask slowly.

"Swan, take it easy there fella. Take a deep breath…"

And that's when I know.

He's in on it.

"You sonofabitch!"

"You with the she-devil, are ya?" I shake my fist, trembling on my feet.

He's glad I felt dizzy just then,

'_Cause he'd be better jacking off a bobcat in a room full of steak than to mess with me… _


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33:**

I wake up to a splash of water hittin' my face.

I see 'em. My son Charlie. Eleazar and his dumber-than-a-potato-so-we-call-'em-Spud self.

And her. Alice Bella.

But Eleazar, I really wanna whoop him like a red-headed step child.

I balls up my fist, and Charlie holds me back.

"Hey there sonny boy!" I greet him.

He smiles, but he's got this sad look on his face. Like he's got a booger on his finger and he can't flick it off.

"Hey Dad," Charlie replies. I hear a baby in the background, screamin' and hollerin'.

I understand the baby's pain. I was so mad I could stomp a mud hole in Eleazar's ass and walk it dry.

"Who's that baby?" I ask, but Charlie shakes his head.

"Later Dad. You feeling alright?"

I glare at my traitor neighbor. "No I'm not alright. I tell him about my hussy neighbor and he just stares at me. I declare, if I ordered a dozen sonofabitches and they sent me only him, I wouldn't feel shortchanged!"

Eleazar rolls his eyes and Brown Eyes to the left refuses to look at me.

"Dad, I need you to listen to me, okay. Because if you don't I'm going to have to take you back to the hospital. Again. And you don't want that. Mom went through a lot to get you out."

I nod, even though I think my poor boy is confused and wouldn't know baby shit from butterscotch.

He looks me deep in the eye, and I'm not gonna lie. Its scarin' me.

But all I can think is: my poor, poor son-

_He's always did look like he fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. _


	34. Chapter 34

**Not a funny chapter. Sowwy, but AARPward needed some explanations. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 34:<strong>

_Dad, your real name is Emmett Edward Swan. _

_You are married to Bella Alice Swan._

_I'm your son, Charlie Swan. _

_I've been gone for while. Mom says it feels like I'm dead, the way I have to travel for business. _

_I have a daughter. She's beautiful. Her name is Angela. Pretty as a doll, you used to say. _

_You got the cancer in your brain Dad. Doctor's doin' everything they can. The surgery helped, so you gonna live a nice long life._

_But it makes you forget stuff, after the stroke and all. _

_We tried to leave you at home. But you kept getting mad at Mom. Had to move you out. _

_Tried to keep you close, just a house away. _

_I make sure I send you a present every month. But Mom says you wouldn't like the fruit. _

_I got my wife watchin' out for you. _

_Rosalie says you get well some days._

_But then every month you stop by the Piggly Wiggly asking for another cat. Flirting with Mom like it's the first time you meetin' her. _

_She says stop staring out the window, it's creeping her out. _

_She takes good care of you, Dad, she does. Pays your bills. Bought you the new car you don't even drive._

_But she can't keep this up. All the cats. They ruinin' the big house Grandpa left you. They leave a mess. She can't even take care of herself anymore. _

_And Dad…_

_I can't buy you anymore goldfish. _

_You and I both know Jacob the Hundredth and Seven isn't working out…_

* * *

><p><strong>*sobs*<strong>

**I hold you tightly, and as you weep, I wipe my snot on the back of your shirt…**


End file.
